My friends and I have a little joke among ourselves. When it’s the second show of a two show day or when we feel like we’re a little low on energy, we say we’re going to have to call 1-800-Dial-a-Show to “phone in” our performance. We like to imagine that there is some service that you could call to get a last minute boost of energy or perhaps a place that would send someone over to perform your show for you while you coached them over the phone from the comfort of your own couch.
Of course, we’re only joking. Part of the job of being a professional actor is knowing how to warm up properly so that you can give a high energy performance night after night. Performing is physically and emotionally demanding but most performers are up to the task. Unfortunately, over the years, I’ve run into a few performers that seem as if they have 1-800-Dial-a-Show on speed dial.
Early in my performing career I knew a girl who must have called often. It wasn’t that she was low on energy but she didn’t quite do all that was asked of her. She was a swing in a theme park show and a few of the tracks that she was called upon to cover were beyond her abilities. There was one particular track that she covered that had a wide vocal range and some days this girl simply didn’t have the notes.
If she was having one of those types of days, she had a little trick she would use. When she came to the high notes of the song’s climatic moments, she would stop singing but would continue to mouth the words. She’d then look at the handheld wireless microphone with a questioning expression and tap it or shake it a couple of times. Her trick was to pretend that the mic was cutting out and not working properly whenever she wasn’t up to the task.
“Hello, 1-800-Dial-a-Show? Yes, I’m having a problem hitting some of the notes in my show. Do you have any advice on what to do? Pretend the mic’s not working? Great! Thanks Dial-a-Show.”
I came across another young fella who must have relied on the service as well. This guy was very talented. He was a triple threat and had played the lead in numerous productions. Unfortunately when I worked with him he was in the ensemble and didn’t know how to imbue his ensemble track with the same sort of specificity that he would give to one of his leading roles. I guess he figured that since he wasn’t playing a role, no one was watching him so it didn’t matter what he did on stage.
In one group scene he wouldn’t even try to be a part of the action. He would bring a crossword puzzle and a pencil on stage with him. Then he would sit upstage of one of the set pieces and do the puzzle during the entire scene.
“1-800-Dial-a-Show, I need help! I’m not the center of attention in this one group scene and I’m bored. What am I going to do? What? Bring an activity completely unrelated to the show with me out on stage? Super! You’re the best, Dial-a-Show!”
I wish I could tell you that this type of stuff never happens but sometimes it does. Fortunately, my experience is that most of the time it is the exception and not the rule. But if you’ve ever witnessed a performer “phoning it in”, it leaves you with a tarnished memory of the show.
In a perfect world, I guess what there really should be is an emergency number for audience members – something like, ShowCop911.
“Hello, ShowCop911? Yes, I’d like to report a crime. I just paid $125 for this ticket and some idiot is doing the “Jumble” on stage.”
